I just wanted to make a little...announcement? I don't know what you'd call it. A declaration. Whatever. I came to a realization tonight and just wanted to share it.
All of my anxiety, my neurosis, my paranoia and to an extent my anger issues that i've had for over ten long years all stem from fear. Fear of abandonment, fear of those i care about leaving me because i am just not enough, that i am not worth their time and that one day they'll realize that and leave
Because of that i end up making it a self-fulfilling prophecy where, when anything happens my paranoia kicks in and i start worrying about the worst case scenarios and it drives me crazy and i end up losing my temper, i stop thinking and i start acting rashly.
But i think tonight i realized something.
Even if i don't understand why or see anything in myself, people chose to have me around for a reason. They see something in me that's worth their time. And..i never have but i need to start trusting them about that. And trusting that they are not so..fickle as to just leave me for frivolous things.
I know it's an obvious thing to say but it's something my mind has never been able to comprehend, even now it doesn't feel like what i'm saying is completely true. It feels like i'm just trying to build myself up by saying i matter and that i shouldn't.
But really why else would anybody keep me around, even forgive me for things i've done in the past if they didn't see some worth in me? It has to be true, right?
I know i've hurt people over the years because of my issues and i accept the blame of that now. I'm sorry to everyone who ever cared about me only to have me push them away because i couldn't accept that i was loved. This is not a plea for sympathy, forgiveness of pity. It is simply me, hopefully, realizing my problem so i can avoid ever making this mistake again.